A HEALING JOURNEY - LOVE AND ADDICTION
After weaning myself off morphine in December of 2012, I started to accept a few dates. On the 12 of January 2013, I met a man whom I grew to love with an intensity I had never known before but who also became my new addiction. We lasted almost five years. We did have some wonderful times, but it was either heaven or hell.
I should have left the first time he talked to me in a way which I found intensely disrespectful. I remember it well, but I had made a commitment. I wanted to stay with him, wanted to be that special someone who would finally open his frozen, broken heart. Being a medium, I had seen much of his past. I understood why he acted this way and was filled with compassion. Part of me wanted to help him, but mostly I worked hard on accepting him just as he was.
Unfortunately, things only got worse. It started taking a toll on my health. I tolerated the hurtful behavior. I allowed myself to be disrespected and ended up feeling used. Once again, I permitted myself to grow afraid to speak my truth, air my feelings, bring up things bothering me just to avoid conflict. We all deserve validation, understanding, and compassion. I was giving all that I had, but he was unable and unwilling to open his heart.
I cared for him so much that I missed him the moment we parted and counted the hours, the minutes until I saw him again. Never in my life had I loved someone with such fierceness, such passion, so unconditionally. This was all new to me. I worked hard on ignoring the red flags, to stay happy, in a good space but eventually, the truth could no longer be ignored.
I finally realized that it would never be enough. He had to fill himself up, I was just pouring myself into a bottomless well. Some people are so unhappy with themselves that they find fault with everyone and everything around them. They dish out criticism, sometimes in thoughtless and cruel ways, but are unable to take it. Words have such power, and some use them without tact and regard under the guise of ‘helping’ the other.
Remembering that people will do to you what you let them, brought me back to myself. I set boundaries and started taking a stand. I relearned to love myself and accept myself fully and to put aside those cruel words which had caused so much pain. Often, what bothers us most in others is what we see wrong with ourselves but are unable to face. I took a long look in the mirror and decided that it was time for a change. There is such peace in accepting, embracing, and loving oneself.
I am working on better relationship skills. For one, I need to speak my truth, be authentically myself. Being an empath, I find it difficult saying anything which might hurt another, but silence only enables undesirable behavior and is not love for the self. I believe that honest communication and listening to your mate go a long way. Partners need to be willing to work together to resolve conflict, to defuse it before it gains power.
I have healing to do, a self-evaluation to complete, and I need to rebuild. I want a healthy relationship, one based on mutual love and regard. I have decided to cherish this time on my own, to work on my tales as well as myself.
The gift which I offered was precious, it deserved to be treasured. My emotional horizon has expanded incredibly in the last five years. I learned to fill myself up and give true love. I managed to embrace the most intense emotional pain and the well of despair inside of myself. I grew tremendously spiritually as well as emotionally. I am thankful for the time I had with him.
I am free now, moving on with my life. I have broken this addiction, no longer need him, I am at peace, happy, and content. I see that I am lovable and enough just the way I am. There is such power in that! One day I will offer the precious jewel of my love to another, maybe to the handsome, positive, smiling man whom I see in my dreams.
I have decided to start this blog, to share my insights with others in the hope that it will resonate with some of you. I learn by picking up a bit here and then there and fitting the puzzle together.
Much love and healing light.