A HEALING JOURNEY - HOPE
Hope is an amazing feeling. It keeps us hooked even when our logical mind tells us that there is no chance and it is time to let go. It will keep us hanging on against all odds. It is what keeps us going, gives us the strength to survive life-threatening situations. What a beautiful gift!
As an eternal optimist, I believe in the impossible. After all, I am walking again! I am dancing! I am pain medication free! All miracles that eight years ago no one thought likely! When I reached the point where I fiercely desired change and just knew in my bones that I could do it, everything fell into place!
The breakup of any relationship, whether it is with a friend or a lover, brings with it a mix of emotions. There is grief for possibilities lost, for memories shared, for the us and the ours. There is anger at oneself and the other. We feel profound sadness and pain. Deep down inside, however, there also is hope.
In our hearts, in our souls, there is a part of us which dislikes giving up. It sees possibilities where none may exist, but that is the nature of hope. It is truly a wondrous thing, pure and innocent. It is almost impossible to set aside.
So, if one cannot get rid of that pesky emotion, how does one handle this feeling which keeps us hanging on, longing for the improbable, wanting the rift to be healed? How does one let go as long as hope lives in one’s heart?
For myself, I found it impossible to push it away. The more I tried, the more persistent it got. After all, that which we resist gains power. With the hanging on came a host of unwelcome emotions. A new approach was required!
I believe in the good in people, in miracles, in anything is possible. I believe in second, third, and maybe even fourth chances! Trying the same thing over and over again, however, is the definition of insanity! I am smarter than that! There is one thing I can do, one person I can change and that is myself. I am doing just that.
The relationships around us are an accurate barometer where we are ourselves. I thought I was doing pretty good. I share a loving bond with my family and friends, I have learned to set boundaries and defend them, I get on well with most people.
I felt that I had done it. I finally loved myself. But, why then was the one relationship which meant so much to me failing? I saw my soulmate’s perceived ‘flaws’ and I did not like them. I judged him and with that action was judging myself.
I really tried to be introspective but was deluding myself. I thought that our relationship was the only one in my life where I was having trouble. It took a while for me to be able to see things clearly.
Having time by myself gave me the opportunity for some serious soul-searching. Was I standing up for myself or was I still people pleasing? Was I setting healthy boundaries and defending them? The answers were not to my liking.
One of the hardest things we will ever do is face our true selves. To have all the things we so dislike in others reflected back at us in the looking glass is a shocking experience. The mirror showed me a sweet, kind but insecure person. I saw the need for love, the lack of self-acceptance. I realized that I was not SEEING myself. I was the one blind to my own value, to the beauty within.
Almost dying in 2008 was a pivotal event. For the first time since the age of 10, there was a burning desire to live. The bud of self-love started to flower. At first, the petals were unfolding ever so slowly. Now, however, it feels like my evolution has been kicked into lightspeed. With each new insight, I gain more love for myself.
Realizing that I cannot use the hope for a relationship to keep myself going, I surrendered completely. I wrote ‘I am enough’ on my mirrors, just as Marissa Peer had suggested, I purchased the class. She promises rapid shifts in her course, and she was not kidding. I am thrilled with the changes!
The insights of the last week have left me elated but also vulnerable and raw. Long talks with my son, supportive friends, and my connection to the divine keep providing me with new ways to live in the now. The meditations and courses I am doing are starting to make incredible sense, they are bringing about an amazing transformation.
I still need time. I desire to improve my conflict resolution skills, grow into my strengthened confidence, get solid about defending my boundaries. I choose to speak my truth from now on, no matter how hard, so that I can be authentically myself. I have good instincts and know what is right for me.
I have released the sadness and the regret of not having seen this before. I have surrendered the past and the future. I no longer feel the ‘need’ for a lover but would like one someday. I have let go of all expectations. There is true freedom in that!
I now see the value of my own counsel, of my instincts, and I stand in my own power. I am a medium, a healer, and an empath. I acknowledge free will and do not presume to know what is right for anyone else nor will I allow another to decide what is best for me.
It is not love if we need another to change. We can only improve ourselves, are responsible for us, not our partner. Everyone is beautiful and amazing in their very own way. We all deserve to be accepted just as we are. Patience, love, and tolerance are the keys. I sure forgot about that this summer!
That which we fight only gains power. This has been brought home in spades these last couple of months! Pushing unpleasant things away, not acknowledging the truth, trying to suppress one’s feelings are no way to heal.
My son came up with a better way for me to deal with my feelings. He showed me a way to fill myself up with so much love that I could send it out to my soulmate. Whenever he comes to my mind, which is still pretty often, I send him unconditional love, blessings, and healing. I wish only good things for him and want nothing more than to see him happy and thrive.
I became aware that I am not ready to date, I have healing to do. A dream provided the warning I needed. I promptly removed myself from all dating sites or tried. Turns out that it is not as easy as I had believed!
Me, I need more time for self-care, for getting to know the new me. I am determined to do better, to not repeat the behavior from the past. I want to gain the tools which will make love last a lifetime, have a relationship based on mutual respect, tolerance, and appreciation. We will be choosing each other, not needing!
Much love and may the healing continue!